Bar Content | Article: Historical Ancestry and Life; Mine Personal.

in editing a Personal Write —

I don’t want it…

To be ‘that Man’…

1st: because I’ve always felt I’m a Bad man. Or, not good

enough for such ‘sacred’ duty. Seriously; I myself

sometimes felt horrible if I were to be that Man… (there

must be someone better?… But unfortunately, there is:

None. At least; didn’t have the criteria that the most

important of all: the Heart. (Compassion, Love Caring,

Understanding). With Looks that of a ‘someone.’ (Like I


2nd: almost all in my younger days filled with action

packed thrilled. One (remembered); confronting a gang of

tough youngster with only 2 backup (member, 3 including Me)

while entering their territory (with a beat up friend of

theirs). A whole Taman against probably just Me, without

any conscious for fear and consequences. (Till this day,

some still remember this ‘historical’ night – a prelude

before my permanent stay… here.)

Not that I’m that strong or expert in martial art or

something. But my bravery is something many think it kind

of a audacious, whereas to me it’s just normal… (being an

Arab descendant, probably is… such rough attitude does

not mean spoiling for a fight, but naturally born of

bloodline. You did hear about Arab usually rough in

attitude, right? But that doesn’t mean they’re bad. That’s

all. In short: while many think I’m some roughneck spoiled

for a fight, I didn’t realize a bit; they’re in to think for that.)

After some years passer by, I started to change into

someone who more toward being the carrier pursuer.

(Cut most of the scene, years) I did end well. But with an

attitude does not suit well. I did not value money

accordingly. In some cases, I use it (or even thrown it)

just to have what I want. To me it is just an act of hurry.

But in normal life; that’s an alternate ego maniac and hurt

feelings those been treated that way… (again; I didn’t

realize it, and was not my intention. It’s because due to

my natural rough attitude that still stick strong and

people just can seem to coupe with it, I mean; publicly)

It goes far to an extend; I lost compassionate to a cat…

at one point, I even pay somebody to do a dirty job,

collect all the cat nearby, and dump it far away… I’ve

lost my feelings… I’m becoming a monster… And again; I

didn’t realize – that was certainly a Sin to God.

Collect it all together; a person that did not abide by the

Rule of God… instead of becoming Better, I became a

monster. What I felt conscious right now, seem too far away

at that time…

Thinking back in those days, I didn’t have the qualities

favorable to God. I’m just a wasted human being throwing

away money and material as though it is easy enough to

earn. Too absolute with self with almost no God in thought.

And; I deserved it… my downfall.

I don’t want to be the Top: if I’m to be that person again.

(That is why I stay long in this foolhardy situation. It

really gets to me; what a ungrateful person I was… So,

this sit here now; is a deservance. … and I kind of don’t

want to be a ‘warrior’ like in the younger days, seems that

making peace with God (and life); are now sitting tight

inside… of Me. (Even if I have to; Business Man is still

I am. … just let those ‘warrior’ thing be warisi by

ancestor… They already far too Go(o)d. Historical. I

didn’t think I’m up being as good as them. Honest. That’s

why the businessman thing… running away from being


‘Here I go again…’

(Ok stop.)

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